The sweetness of the infinite...

I dive within myself

and dissolve into the infinite, like honey in hot tea.

Aah, to lose oneself into the ocean of bliss.

To become one again, like the raindrop falling into the ocean...

I am home again, love me, caress me, make love to me

I am yours.

Heavy heart...

I woke up with a heavy heart today.

I tried to fight the tears but then gave up and cried and cried all day.

I just don't understand why it hurts so, or maybe it's just me, letting go...

I felt this grief coming, like a giant wave that swept me away, from my stable ground.

There's nothing I could do, nothing to hold on to.

This wave tumbled me around and around,

and now I feel lost, like a drift wood on a sea shore.

Breakthrough?

Wow, so today I understood something really cool. I realize now why I get so worked up about things people do, including girlfriends or exes. It's because I always think that I would not have done this or that, this way! That is such a ridiculous notion because it wasn't who did it and the moment is past. All I need to do is react or not to what is and not what should have been...

I feel so good...

I don't know why. Maybe it's because Spring is finally here. I also feel like I'm at a crossroad, come to think of it, aren't we always at a crossroad? lol.

I'm meeting a lot of people and it's great to be in different circles. I can't believe how much I was limiting myself.

I also want to go to Guadeloupe this Summer but I don't know if I'll have the money. If I keep selling art tho, I'll be able to buy my ticket. Yay! hehehe.

I went to this party last night and I have a lot of fun...

[gallery orderby="ID"]

School...

So, how is it possible that I'm getting more by doing my own thing than what get from school? Maybe I've been using school as a crutch and now I'm ready to fly on my own?

I think I put too much hope and expectation on people and things...

Relationship...

Ok, so I'm feeling a lot better about the break up today. I think I may have forgiven her. I expected so much from her and she is so young. I think I was as selfish as she was, in different ways.  I also didn't want to let go of my anger because I have a tendency to forgive too quickly and easily, and when I do, I do foolish things as get back together.... :P

It's perfect timing since today is the first day of Spring. I took my bike out for a ride in the park and that was awesome. I hung out at Mockabes coffee house across the park where I met a couple of people and we just talked for a few hours.

Tonight I'm going to do henna at a 'Purim' celebration. I'll probably post some photos...

I think I'll spend a little more time here rather than spend it on Facebook.

How interesting  it is that I said: "I'll spend more time here..." I guess the "I" is my attention? I think therefore I am?

Classical or Expressionist

I've been working on my self portrait for class and I HATE it. I can't stand this tedious glazing and glazing and glazing. The process is just tooooooo slow for me.
I guess I'm more of an expressionist type of guy. I like my brush strokes to show.This is who I am, my brush strokes, not my subject.
Anyway...my ex sent me a text photo of her baby last night. I swear she's doing this on purpose! So I sent her back a text/photo of my new bedroom :)
I think the last thing I text her was: I curse the day I met you! hahaha.

Soon school starts...

That's a mouthful to say.

Hum, so I haven't written anything here lately...Duh! School starts soon and I can't wait. This will be a great school year, I can feel it. Next project will be Graduate school. I'm not sure where I'll go. I guess it depends where I get the most money.

I feel good. I don't know why and I guess it doesn't matter. I just feel good. It feels great to be alive, to have this body and to experience this universe. I wish I could live forever but I guess the fact that I won't makes life so precious.

The wheels of life keep turning...I belong to you.

New year

Ok so I haven't posted much lately. I've been sick with some kind of flu. This one is a little more tenacious than the ones I've had before. I don't take medication so it's taking my body a little while longer to go through the process but I can feel I'm getting better.

So new years...xmas...I didn't do anything really. I just focussed on resting, thinking....thinking about the life I'm leaving behind. I can feel I am leaving a life behind and starting a new one except that there are elements from my past that have resurfaced. I thought I had dealt with certain issues but evidently not. It's almost as if pieces of my heart were handed back to me.

I feel a lot more relaxed. I notice I don't really get upset at dumb drivers anymore...strange, I use to enjoy that. I notice that I let people talk and talk without the need to inject my point of view. The weird part is that I'm not disconnect when I do it either, I'm there with the person. I just listen.

I can feel this year will bring big changes... I am curious as to what will happen. I'm planning on going to school but I'm still not sure if I'm going to Fontbonne or UMSL. I thought USML would be cheaper but I was wrong. After you add up all the extra 'fees' UMSL is almost the same price as Fontbonne. It's unreal!

A magical fairy came into my life. An unexpected fairy brought me a piece of my heart that I had left behing? Or was it kept from me? Either way I feel a great peace was bestowed upon me and has graced me with its presence.

I think/feel that all the 'pieces' are coming back to me and everything is becoming whole again. I'm not sure what that means. I guess we'll see.

death...

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="420" caption="Native American funeral"][/caption]

My friend's grand mother died yesterday so I called her in Guadeloupe. We had a great chat. She said that granma' was 92 and was tired of not being able to move and do thing on her own. She had to have people bathing and changing her. She just decided to stop eating until she died. She died in a hospital bed.

So I told my friend that I would probably do the same thing were it me in that position but, I told her, if she's around, to make sure not to leave me in the hospital. I want to die looking at the sunset over the ocean.

my little heart...

I was walking through the park today. The air was cold, not too cold. There was stillness within and without. Upon a path I saw a small tree. It had lost all it's plumage, all but a few and that's when I saw it. It was my little heart. It was perched on the highest branch, looking down at me...dancing in the cold wind. It was unguarded, unprotected, naked for all to see...

[caption id="attachment_588" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="my heart"][/caption]

I have to move on...

This is hard...I've been here before...sort of.

A clean break is all I need. Run, run, don't look back or you'll turn into a pillar of salt, frozen in time, frozen in pain.

My heart is agitated in fear, in pain waiting for the final blow, the final crush.

I believe did the right thing. It an endless vortex...the black hole...my love.

I'm too weak to face it all. I can't sit on the sidelines anymore. I wish I could, I wish I could be there for you.  In a way I'am...

I can only loose so many feathers...before I can't fly anymore, and fly I must.

I will soar high up in the heavenly skies, I will think of you when I'm well.

I will fly in search for just a moment, a place of ease where I can rebuild and be reborn.

Out of my ashes I will feel again, trust again, love again.

So long my love...

I truly love you.

J.

Mapping what I want.

I can't believe I'm doing this. Actually I've already wrote out the list.

Here are the categories of my life list, hehehe,  Home, Mate, Career, Health. All I need now is to get some photos. I'm thinking about making a poster out of it. I'm so unfocused that if I don't do that, I'd probably float until I die. My cousin calls me 'the jellyfish'...

Under home I have the following:

• highrise loft


• bright


• ocean or lake view


• art studio


• zen

Under Mate:

• hippie style


• healthy


• soft


• playful


• cheerful


• loving


• centered


• stable


• beautiful

Career:

• art


• college/university teacher


• $4000 per month


• east or west coast and maybe chicago


• urban


• fun

Health:

• yoga


• T.M.


• balanced


• light workout


• sex

Any thoughts? Anyone?

fall 2009

so I decided to give worldpress a try. I don't think that blogger is bad but I just like to change things once in a while :).

I'm back in The Lou and for the first time, I'm really happy about that.

The Fall season is upon us and it just happens to be my favorite season. I think I'll need to find me a lover for the cold season.
Wouldn't it be cool to find a lover for just the seasons? Almost like a lease with option to renew...hum, I think I'm on to something. It would take a whole lot of imaginary pressure off.

Thank you Maharishi

My heart

Jerry sent me this flower and that exactly how my heart is.

This is how I feel today.

I woke up early today, even before the sun. There was something in the air. I got up and looked out my window and that's when I saw it, the rain. It was coming like a blanket of haze. I quickly closed the window and went on the covered patio. I laid atop the table with a blanket and pillow as I watched this raging thunder and lighting show express its beauty on the sky's screen. It was wonderful. I laid there for more than an hour as I watched the sun trying to pierce the clouds.
I was analysing the shapes and color to try to capture this beauty on a canvas but then I stopped. I chose to stop and just watch the show without any intent on copying or saving or anything else. It was complete and so was I.

Personal Year 7...a time for analysis and understanding

This is my year:
A 7 personal year promises to be a very introspective year, a period of some pause and reflection between very active years in your life. This year should provide you with some time for gaining some understanding of yourself, and you are apt to spend a good bit of time in contemplation. It will be good for you to spend time alone or in quiet activities, as free from outside responsibilities as possible. You should try to get away from business pressures. This is a good year to reflect on the past and plan for the future. This will not tend to be a year of action, but rather a year of waiting and development. One of the most profitable activities in with to engage during a personal year 7 is that of study and writing, for your ability to think clearly, analyze, and integrate your thoughts is peaked now. Your capacity for research and understanding is at its very best. It would not be unusual for you to take on an appearance of coolness and detachment during a 7 year. Certainly, it is best for you to focus your attention on your talents and your skills in an effort to use the time you have now to refine them. Perhaps you can find the time to gain more education, or simply spend free time in reflection and meditation.

Fascinating!!! I think I hate my family

I truly do.
What a fucking bunch of conniving selfish morons.
I guess I want to vent.
I feel the hatred and rage coming up through my veins all the way up to my head.
I just don't understand.
I'm happiest away from them.
I feel closer to strangers than I do my own flesh and blood.
What a bunch of fucking idiots.
ALL OF THEM!
They can go FUCK themselves!
should I tell them? I wonder.
I think I'll just what I did before...just stay away.
Life is too short to hang around assholes, especially smelly ones.
I should just move on...
Physically or in my head?
I guess there is no difference.
I'm listening to "god is a dj"
I'm happy. It's happy music.
My head is bobbing up and down.
Life is good again.
They can just go fuck themselves.
Actually, there is one...yeah but she's crazy.
Never mind.
I will paint
I will paint
I will paint
large paintings
large paintings
beautiful paintings

I'm strange!

I must be strange. I just don't rely on any labels for my happiness. I couldn't care less what you thought of me, just as long as we have a great time together. That's all that matters.
If I really cared about what other people thought, I wouldn't see any of my friends. They have all done or said something I thought was hurtful, bad, etc.... It just doesn't matter.
Can you and I make magic when we're together. That's all that matters.
No one knows about tomorrow, it's no use worrying about it.
You know, I want to be wanted like any other person but there's no way to really know...ever.
So what I'm left with are facts, right now, what you chose to do. If someone "pretends" to be my friend but says stupid stuff about me behind my back, I wouldn't care. Just as long as we enjoyed ourselves truly when we are together.
Hey, I know some of those sentences where not properly structured. Deal with it!
Peace.