01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Guess who???
I'll give you a hint: It's Bill and Hillary Clinton. Hee, hee, hee.)I would give credit for this image but I forgot where I got it.(
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Interesting and funny tidbits
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
> > In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
> > The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
> > Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
> > Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
> > Coca-Cola was originally green.
> > It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> > The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
> > The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
> > The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
> > The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
> > The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
> > Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> > The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
> > The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> > Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
> > Spades - King David
> > Hearts - Charlemagne
> > Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> > Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> > 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> > If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
> > Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
> > Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
> > A. Their birthplace
> > Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
> > A. Obsession
> > Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
> > A. One thousand
> > Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
> > A. All invented by women.
> > Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
> > A. Honey
> > Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
> > A. Father's Day
> > In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
> > It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
> > In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
> > That's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
> > Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
> > In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
> > The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
> > Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
> > Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
> > Coca-Cola was originally green.
> > It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> > The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
> > The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
> > The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
> > The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
> > The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
> > Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> > The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
> > The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> > Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
> > Spades - King David
> > Hearts - Charlemagne
> > Clubs -Alexander, the Great
> > Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> > 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> > If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
> > Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
> > Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
> > A. Their birthplace
> > Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
> > A. Obsession
> > Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
> > A. One thousand
> > Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
> > A. All invented by women.
> > Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
> > A. Honey
> > Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
> > A. Father's Day
> > In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
> > It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
> > In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
> > That's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
> > Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Thugs in Suits
Sooooo I'm walking through a parking lot and I'm stopped by these thugs in suits. They wanted the wallet that I had just found, it was fat with cash. Before I could think, my partner jumped in front of me which allowed me to crawl underneath the brown car to my right. As I'm on the ground I open the wallet and stuff the many wads of $100 bills in my pocket. It wasn't an easy task but I managed just fine :). I was then on the 3rd floor of our appartment that I couldn't recognize, you had just finished cleaning and rearanged my room. You left a package on the 3rd to last step of the stairs leading to the kitchen where 2 other people were waiting for me to go out. Before we left I drank half a bottle of brandy. It went down like lemonade and I thought that if the cops pulled me over I'd go staight to jail. A moment later, we were on the side sidewalk in town, it was rainning and grey. We took off our clothes and had sex. No one was around. It would have been a good show.
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