me latest henna.

death...

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="420" caption="Native American funeral"][/caption]

My friend's grand mother died yesterday so I called her in Guadeloupe. We had a great chat. She said that granma' was 92 and was tired of not being able to move and do thing on her own. She had to have people bathing and changing her. She just decided to stop eating until she died. She died in a hospital bed.

So I told my friend that I would probably do the same thing were it me in that position but, I told her, if she's around, to make sure not to leave me in the hospital. I want to die looking at the sunset over the ocean.

My show

Ok so, only 3 of my peeps showed up at my show hahaha. Niiiiiice.

[caption id="attachment_599" align="alignleft" width="323" caption="jeanjoel"][/caption]

I change my room around

I changed my room around and I feel a little better. I still have some feelings of anger and RAGE popping up from time to time.

I cleaned my room, it's more open now. I had to put my foam on the floor because sleeping on the futon was increasing my back pain. I'll figure my 'office' tomorrow.

Saturday is my opening. I think it'll be fun! I wonder who will show up...

I also braided my hair...it's getting really long.

I'm sipping a glass of white wine. I haven't had wine in over 2 weeks.

my little heart...

I was walking through the park today. The air was cold, not too cold. There was stillness within and without. Upon a path I saw a small tree. It had lost all it's plumage, all but a few and that's when I saw it. It was my little heart. It was perched on the highest branch, looking down at me...dancing in the cold wind. It was unguarded, unprotected, naked for all to see...

[caption id="attachment_588" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="my heart"][/caption]

I see the moon

[caption id="attachment_584" align="alignleft" width="180" caption="moon"][/caption]

The view of the moon from my bed.

Rage!

So after my freaky dream, I laid down to sleep some more. I went through  my morning thing; hot water, shower, asanas, meditation.

I woke up at 9 in a foul mood. I'm angry, angry, angry. I have rage inside. I can't believe how much. I really feel like a fool even though I know that no time was wasted...

In a lighter note, David made me realize that I do have options with school. Fontbonne was holding my transcripts against their will because I didn't pay some parking ticket. Anyway, I've paid the $175 and now my transcripts are free! Since I'm only going to take liberal arts classes, I might as well take them at UMSL. I think it's cheaper there. We'll see. I've sent my transcripts from both institutions to UMSL and I've applied, so the ball is in their court.

I'm still angry. I don't know if I actually have this anger inside or it's because I woke up 'wrong' lol. It happens to me sometimes when I take an after noon nap.

really freaky dream

All I remember is that we ( my mom, my cousin Dimitri, his mom(?) I think, and some other people) are walking. We have to get to this place. At one point Dimitri's mother (but it wasn't his mother, it was a much older woman) somehow was in this well. My mom leans over to help. The next scene is that we're approaching my grand parent's (who are dead in real life) house when I'm wondering where is my mom. They tell me that she fell into the hole. I felt sick as I tried to wrap my head around this idea. We (Dimitri and I) end up at my grand parent's house when we hear them coming. My grand father, Edmond, meets us and embraces Dimitri first. He always liked him best. I notice as I hug him that Edmond is much taller and more built than he was in life. He looks good, happy and full of life. My grand mother, Merita, is behind him. She looks great too. In life, when she died, her mind was completely gone and was hunched over like Casimodo. Here, she was walking straight and her mind was clear. She was remembering and identifying stuff as if to show us how well she was. They said that it was due to some new medication she was taking. As we're about to sit at a table, I realize that I have to 'help' my mom. I can't just sit there. I must call the police or better yet the firemen. They need to go down that well, that very deep well, to recover her body. I don't even know if she's dead. Oh god, what if she's not dead. I'm ill just thinking about what she must have felt when she fell. I start panicking. I share this with the others and I say that either way there needs to be a resolution. What do I do with her home and legal life. There needs to be an official document or something. At this point Merita agrees with what happened. "yes, she fell into the book". What? No, she fell into the hole. I'm thinking Merita is loosing her head again but she insist that she fell into the book, just like Alice in Wonderland.

So, it's 3:29am and I'm awake. I had to write this vivid and weird dream.

I know that Merita is my great sub conscious and Edmond is my super conscious; that my mom is my sub conscious and that death means change. I'm not sure about the long black hole of a well. I guess part of me died in that hole...