Ouch, my back!

My back has been hurting me for the longest time but now, it's really getting worse. Sometimes the pain is paralyzing!

Here's a photo of my lower back, taken one and a half year ago. I suspect it's much worse now...

[caption id="attachment_881" align="alignleft" width="400" caption="My lower back"][/caption]

Just a dreamer...

I need a hot, passionate woman that can't stand to be away from me. I need a woman that would get wet just thinking about me, one that would...Aah! Nevermind. Who am I kidding...I'm just a dreamer... A passionate dreamer lost in a world of gain, betrayal and secrets....

I'm a strong dreamer tho... I shall conjure her from wherever she is, and she will come...my passionate lover...

Heavy heart...

I woke up with a heavy heart today.

I tried to fight the tears but then gave up and cried and cried all day.

I just don't understand why it hurts so, or maybe it's just me, letting go...

I felt this grief coming, like a giant wave that swept me away, from my stable ground.

There's nothing I could do, nothing to hold on to.

This wave tumbled me around and around,

and now I feel lost, like a drift wood on a sea shore.

I've been such a fool...

I've been such a fool. My ex started texting me again. I don't know why... She asked me if I knew how to remove cat pee from clothes, I said I did not. She claims my cats peed on her clothes. Then she asked if I still thought she was a horrible cunt and I replied that I didn't, that I was better now... Then she says that Karma is a bitch. I thought she meant that something would happen to me so I reversed the situation and said: yeah? how does it feel. And that's when she tells me that she started dating this guy but he has herpes...

I told her that I was sorry and that I wouldn't mess with that crap. So from then on, she asked if we could be friends again but I doubt we ever were... I said ok. We started talking about the fact that she wants an honest, caring, open, giving, trustworthy relationship...I asked: since when? That's what we had and she blew it. I told her that she should really think about the fact that it's one thing to want something and another to be able to live up to it. She obviously couldn't.

At this point she didn't want to talk about the past anymore, so I asked her about her new 'friend', and she told me. You see, I'm shaking as I'm writing this now... She told me all the details of their dates and how she's concern about sex because she's not going to have sex with him ( she says) and then she asked me for my opinion. I told her that she should be upfront with him about the no sex thing and if he's alright with that then great other wise she's just leading him on. If she doesn't do that, she ends up taking the risk of finding herself in a situation where she's horny and available and might do something that she's regret the rest of her life.

You see, I tried to be a friend for her but reading about her new life is too painful for me. So last night I send her a long text, here it it:

Dearest Allison, there's something I must confess. I can't be your friend. You see, I'm so terribly still in love with you and I miss you so much. I really wanted to be there for you as a friend but it sickens me to know that you're with someone else. I was shaking when your were telling me about him, I wanted to vomit. My heart breaks when I see how quickly you replaced me. I'm soooo sorry but I really can't do it. It's too painful and destructive. I hope you understand that it's not out of of meanness that I say this, it's out of sadness and pain. I love love love love you sooooooo much my dearest angel fairy and I will miss you sooooo much I can't bare it. My heart goes to you and Bonnie (her daughter). I sincerely wish you the best...Your love, always...jeanjoel

I have to move on...

This is hard...I've been here before...sort of.

A clean break is all I need. Run, run, don't look back or you'll turn into a pillar of salt, frozen in time, frozen in pain.

My heart is agitated in fear, in pain waiting for the final blow, the final crush.

I believe did the right thing. It an endless vortex...the black hole...my love.

I'm too weak to face it all. I can't sit on the sidelines anymore. I wish I could, I wish I could be there for you.  In a way I'am...

I can only loose so many feathers...before I can't fly anymore, and fly I must.

I will soar high up in the heavenly skies, I will think of you when I'm well.

I will fly in search for just a moment, a place of ease where I can rebuild and be reborn.

Out of my ashes I will feel again, trust again, love again.

So long my love...

I truly love you.

J.