my little heart...

I was walking through the park today. The air was cold, not too cold. There was stillness within and without. Upon a path I saw a small tree. It had lost all it's plumage, all but a few and that's when I saw it. It was my little heart. It was perched on the highest branch, looking down at me...dancing in the cold wind. It was unguarded, unprotected, naked for all to see...

[caption id="attachment_588" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="my heart"][/caption]

Rage!

So after my freaky dream, I laid down to sleep some more. I went through  my morning thing; hot water, shower, asanas, meditation.

I woke up at 9 in a foul mood. I'm angry, angry, angry. I have rage inside. I can't believe how much. I really feel like a fool even though I know that no time was wasted...

In a lighter note, David made me realize that I do have options with school. Fontbonne was holding my transcripts against their will because I didn't pay some parking ticket. Anyway, I've paid the $175 and now my transcripts are free! Since I'm only going to take liberal arts classes, I might as well take them at UMSL. I think it's cheaper there. We'll see. I've sent my transcripts from both institutions to UMSL and I've applied, so the ball is in their court.

I'm still angry. I don't know if I actually have this anger inside or it's because I woke up 'wrong' lol. It happens to me sometimes when I take an after noon nap.

really freaky dream

All I remember is that we ( my mom, my cousin Dimitri, his mom(?) I think, and some other people) are walking. We have to get to this place. At one point Dimitri's mother (but it wasn't his mother, it was a much older woman) somehow was in this well. My mom leans over to help. The next scene is that we're approaching my grand parent's (who are dead in real life) house when I'm wondering where is my mom. They tell me that she fell into the hole. I felt sick as I tried to wrap my head around this idea. We (Dimitri and I) end up at my grand parent's house when we hear them coming. My grand father, Edmond, meets us and embraces Dimitri first. He always liked him best. I notice as I hug him that Edmond is much taller and more built than he was in life. He looks good, happy and full of life. My grand mother, Merita, is behind him. She looks great too. In life, when she died, her mind was completely gone and was hunched over like Casimodo. Here, she was walking straight and her mind was clear. She was remembering and identifying stuff as if to show us how well she was. They said that it was due to some new medication she was taking. As we're about to sit at a table, I realize that I have to 'help' my mom. I can't just sit there. I must call the police or better yet the firemen. They need to go down that well, that very deep well, to recover her body. I don't even know if she's dead. Oh god, what if she's not dead. I'm ill just thinking about what she must have felt when she fell. I start panicking. I share this with the others and I say that either way there needs to be a resolution. What do I do with her home and legal life. There needs to be an official document or something. At this point Merita agrees with what happened. "yes, she fell into the book". What? No, she fell into the hole. I'm thinking Merita is loosing her head again but she insist that she fell into the book, just like Alice in Wonderland.

So, it's 3:29am and I'm awake. I had to write this vivid and weird dream.

I know that Merita is my great sub conscious and Edmond is my super conscious; that my mom is my sub conscious and that death means change. I'm not sure about the long black hole of a well. I guess part of me died in that hole...

This is how I feel today.

I woke up early today, even before the sun. There was something in the air. I got up and looked out my window and that's when I saw it, the rain. It was coming like a blanket of haze. I quickly closed the window and went on the covered patio. I laid atop the table with a blanket and pillow as I watched this raging thunder and lighting show express its beauty on the sky's screen. It was wonderful. I laid there for more than an hour as I watched the sun trying to pierce the clouds.
I was analysing the shapes and color to try to capture this beauty on a canvas but then I stopped. I chose to stop and just watch the show without any intent on copying or saving or anything else. It was complete and so was I.

Personal Year 7...a time for analysis and understanding

This is my year:
A 7 personal year promises to be a very introspective year, a period of some pause and reflection between very active years in your life. This year should provide you with some time for gaining some understanding of yourself, and you are apt to spend a good bit of time in contemplation. It will be good for you to spend time alone or in quiet activities, as free from outside responsibilities as possible. You should try to get away from business pressures. This is a good year to reflect on the past and plan for the future. This will not tend to be a year of action, but rather a year of waiting and development. One of the most profitable activities in with to engage during a personal year 7 is that of study and writing, for your ability to think clearly, analyze, and integrate your thoughts is peaked now. Your capacity for research and understanding is at its very best. It would not be unusual for you to take on an appearance of coolness and detachment during a 7 year. Certainly, it is best for you to focus your attention on your talents and your skills in an effort to use the time you have now to refine them. Perhaps you can find the time to gain more education, or simply spend free time in reflection and meditation.

Fascinating!!! I think I hate my family

I truly do.
What a fucking bunch of conniving selfish morons.
I guess I want to vent.
I feel the hatred and rage coming up through my veins all the way up to my head.
I just don't understand.
I'm happiest away from them.
I feel closer to strangers than I do my own flesh and blood.
What a bunch of fucking idiots.
ALL OF THEM!
They can go FUCK themselves!
should I tell them? I wonder.
I think I'll just what I did before...just stay away.
Life is too short to hang around assholes, especially smelly ones.
I should just move on...
Physically or in my head?
I guess there is no difference.
I'm listening to "god is a dj"
I'm happy. It's happy music.
My head is bobbing up and down.
Life is good again.
They can just go fuck themselves.
Actually, there is one...yeah but she's crazy.
Never mind.
I will paint
I will paint
I will paint
large paintings
large paintings
beautiful paintings

I'm strange!

I must be strange. I just don't rely on any labels for my happiness. I couldn't care less what you thought of me, just as long as we have a great time together. That's all that matters.
If I really cared about what other people thought, I wouldn't see any of my friends. They have all done or said something I thought was hurtful, bad, etc.... It just doesn't matter.
Can you and I make magic when we're together. That's all that matters.
No one knows about tomorrow, it's no use worrying about it.
You know, I want to be wanted like any other person but there's no way to really know...ever.
So what I'm left with are facts, right now, what you chose to do. If someone "pretends" to be my friend but says stupid stuff about me behind my back, I wouldn't care. Just as long as we enjoyed ourselves truly when we are together.
Hey, I know some of those sentences where not properly structured. Deal with it!
Peace.

I wonder where I'll end up today.

I don't know where I'm going but I do know where I'm not.
Hoping is futile and waiting is hopeless.
I guess I use to wait for others to behave in a specific way...a way that I thought was right.
How stupid of me.
First of all, there is no right for all. I guess there is only right for me.

A message from my friend Benny

About bombing NYC, Madrid & London

Dear friends,
These days we are all from London. Yesterday we were from New York and
Madrid.
Our duty is to keep on living with faith & love inspite of obstacles and
tragedies that we can found in our path through life.
It is a nonsense to darken our lifes, to get blinded by hate or pain and
definetely it is not a way to pay homage to those who died or have been
injured.
Let's cultivate and safeguard tolerance & happiness & : paradoxically,
it is the very best answer to intolerance and misfortune & tragedy.
Force will not change anything.
Violence will not change anything.
Terrorism will not change anything.
The enemy to shoot is not Occident, Orient, Middle east or Far East. The
enemy is simply fundamentalism and intolerance under any form.
So keep on laughing, smiling, living, understanding,loving &
transmitting this happiness and faith to our children. Because against
this no bomb, no religion, no political group can fight.
Think today how lucky you are. Be thankful for having a roof, eating
when you want, having freedom of expression, being surrounded by beloved
people, being able to do what you want to do with your life.
And SMILE all day long.

yours Benny

Tiny bubble

I'm a tiny bubble
floating on the top
I ride with the waves
with no end in mind
you can see underneath
if you're above
you can see above
if you're below
I've seen strange creatures
above and below
I've seen sunlight and the rainbow
I don't know where I came from
but this I know
one day
this tiny bubble will pop!
and the air that was contained
within the thin layer of water
will be claimed by the sky
and so will the water
merge back into the vast ocean
and this tiny bubble
will be no more.

I live in my head

I live in my head
while some are trying to get an out of body experience
I'm trying to feel mine
thoughts are projected on my mind-screen
I'd say they're mine but they're not
others have the same
maybe thoughts are like radio waves
and we are the receiver/transmitter
picking up broadcasts
I wonder if we have preset stations
like the Christian channel, NPR
I wonder if we could reconfigure them
or not listen at all
maybe I can do this,
feel my body
it d0esn't require thought
it's just awaness
without the eye
without the I

Difference between knowledge & Information

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION?
Well, I'll tell you a little story, when my daughter Kian was about 2 or 3 we were driving thru the loop in U-City and she spotted a crow and yelled: "papa, regarde!" which means:"papa! look!" (we speak French to each other).
I glanced at the bird for half a second and said: "Oh yeah, that's a crow!" and that was the end of that. A few seconds later I realized that what she was pointing out was this interesting flying flapping black creature in the blue sky that was happening right now but what I was pointing at was the definition I had in my head of what a crow is. ie: a black bird of this size, that lives here, etc....
I realized that I didn't really look at what was happening now, I was using a past reference that was stored in my memory. I could not see. I would never be able to see this particular crow at this moment ever again. It was happening live :)

Knowledge is now. It is not in time. Knowledge is felt, information is thought. Information are bits and pieces of useless data. It's not useless for material things such as building a road, house, etc....but when it has to do with relationships, emotions, psychological well being then it is not only useless but detrimental (interesting word, detrimental. Detri-mental, detri (destroy) mental (mind).

You can have the information that smoking will hurt and kill your lungs, and still smoke. But when you can't breathe and have some chest pain or are coughing out bits and pieces of lungs then that's knowledge. You see? one is an idea, abstract, non personal the other is you.


Reply: I like it. What a great way to view life. Everything changes so fast and we are always using our prejudices and judgements to cloud what we see.

My theory on alien abduction

MY THEORY ON ALIEN ABDUCTION.
I believe that the brain records everything whether you remember it or not. All sensations that you had since childbirth, and probably before, are stored there.
What struck me about these stories of abduction was the similarity between them. They all see this bright light, they are then probed, tested, etc... by these creature with big eyes.
Well I believe they are just having a flashback about their own birth. If you think about it, at birth, your eyes aren't very developed so your vision might be blurry, then you are yanked from a warm and dark place into a cold and bright unknown space by these unknown creatures. All you can see are their eyes because the rest of their faces are covered with fabrick. These "aliens" Doctors and nurses manipulate, test, probe, weight, etc... your body.

So between some theory of weird looking creatures probing humans for unknown reasons or having a "flash back" of an actual experience...I'll stick with the actual experience.That's my theory and I stick by it :)

TOMORROW: IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION?

Re-incarnation VS Re-distribution

I don't believe in re-incarnation, I believe in re-distribution.
Re-incarnation: meaning to re-enter the flesh, again... Our flesh is made up of "borrowed" particles such as calcium for bone, water for blood, etc... These particles, when we die, become free from the "glue" that binds them together. They are dispursed into the cosmos and are re-cycled or sent to where ever they are needed at the time. Much the same as a drop or water falling from the clouds finds it way back into the ocean. And I'm not saying that the ocean is the source, it's just another point in the cycle.
How do I account for past memories of far away places you say?
Well let me tell you :), matter is intelligent and since our bodies are made up of borrowed matter, we, sometimes become aware of its past. Whether it was used to make a rock, or part of a person, or a soil fertilizer.

Reply: so, just the same as the flesh disperses into the atmosphere as you say, so again it can come together to form a new body,.no?... not necessarily human but a new body for the soul to reside in. Matter is neither created nor destroyed, but merely changes form.... I love that scientific theory, it goes perfectly well with reincarnation, or redistribution as you want to call it.

TOMORROW: MY THEORY ON ALIEN ABDUCTION.

The Madness Continues

The madness continues
It amazes me that I have to tell myself to slowdown. It always seems like I have to rush through life because there's something or another that I have to do. So I go through life always preoccupied with the next thing that needs to be done and never able to enjoy what going on right now... I mean REALLY enjoy.
To enjoy something completely would be to be lost in it. When this happens, it give me the sensation that I've arrived. The yearning emptiness is no longer. I no longer feel cut out or feel like I'm missing something.
Isn't it strange that by trying to become ONE with everything we feel cut out, left out and the minute you stop trying, you are one with everything.
It would seem like the desire it itself creates the pain, it's telling me that I'm lacking something, that I'm not complete whereas if you drop the desire, then there's no emptiness, nothing missing.
Of course it's very simple to say it because trying not to have a desire can be just another form of desire :-) and there you are again running after your smoky dreams.


Reply: I CONSTANTLY FEEL LIKE IM MISSING OUT ON THE BEST QUALITIES IN LIFE LOOKING AND THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE. I AM ALWAYS REMINDING MYSELF TO NOT WORRY BECAUSE WORRYING DOES NOT DO ME A BIT OF GOOD. JUST BY LIVING IN A SMALL COUNTRY TOWN I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE MYSELF SLOW DOWN AND TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES. I MAKE MYSELF OBSERVE NATURE AT ITS Finest AND THAT HELPS ME TO ENJOY THE MOMENT AND NOT HAVE A LOT OF DESIRES FOR THE FUTURE. JUST A EVERYDAY SUNSET OR WATCHING HUMMINGBIRDS PROVIDES ME WITH A RELAXATION THAT REMINDS ME TO ENJOY LIFE AT THAT VERY MOMENT.
STEPH

And it will be beautiful...

The sweat sticks to my shirt, it's humid and grey.
In my heart the sunshines with clouds and all, the ocean is here as well.
Electricity runs through the sky of my mind.
The tree leaves are waving bye bye.
Stand up! I think.
Stand and rise amongst the sleepers.
Walk towards the clarity and touch the matrix of being.
The light will welcomes you.
Your heart is filled with sorrow and it is beautiful.
You feel the pain and flinch not.
Long ago in the desert someone opened the bottle,
a tree came out and lighting struck.
A white crow landed on the branch.
Thru the magnifying glass of time we saw each other and crossed over to the other side, where the others awaited.
In the spiraling floor I danced and danced the songs of the gypsies.
But the piano fell into the pond and all the creatures looked up.
"Enjoy" she whispered.
Ah, the magic mantra.
Ken drew the clock on the ground where the piano fell.
There stood a man, holding himself as the rain poured on and on.
He gave me the umbrella as lighting struck.
I was scared. My heart was pounding in my chest and the rain doubled.
I looked up and saw the butterfly drop to the ground.
His wings were wet and was crawling like a caterpillar.
I blew on his wings until they were dry.
He kissed me and flew away.
My feet sank into the wet dirt. They turned into mud.
My whole body melted into earth.
I could feel the water running through me.
I feared, and she said: "Enjoy".
Ah yes, the sacred mantra.
Worms were crawling through my flesh.
Was it my flesh? I don't know.
Tree roots were holding me tight and lot letting go.
It smelt good, rich and fertile.
"I shall dance the dance of time once more" she said.


-jeanjoel-

Life's what you make of it...Get me out of here! :)

Life is what you make of it....That seems right, right? Actually all you can change is your perception. So, maybe life is the same all the time, without any particular qualities? Then all of us "choses" to see it one way or another.
I was born into this world and when I arrived a great many people had already agreed to see the world in a very specific way. They then tried to convince, no, train me into seeing it their way saying things like: "well, that's just the way life is" or "That's just common sense", etc.... Don't get me wrong, I had a choice. I could either accept their world and be rewarded or not, and be punished...interesting choice indeed.
So I went along and pretended like everyone else...I guess, and by the time I had enough insight to see all this, I was already trained. Their basic beliefs were ingrained in my identity as an operating system is installed on a computer. I kept trying to delete the softwares & programs that were installed but the operating system stayed unchanged and was flawed....I NEED A NEW SYSTEM!!! or do I.
Actually it is having a system that makes me not see the world as it is. It is having a system that binds me by the rules of others. Is it possible to not have a system? I think yes, but no one wants to make that "choice". I guess somewhere we still remember the punishment of our younger days?
By dropping the system it would mean to stop depending on others for reassurance, guidance, truth, etc....It would mean walking alone & never knowing where your next step would be.
But it would also mean that you'd discover the world everyday instead of growing old and calcified with the heavyness of your own knowledge and judgements. It would also mean that no one could ever hurt you or emotionally or blackmail you, etc....Life would then be an immense adventure, a mystical movie projected on the screen of your mind with no end in sight.

Parable of Life

--"A group of tourists sits in a bus that is passing throught gorgeously beautiful country; lakes and mountains and green fields and rivers. But the shades of the bus are pulled down. They do not have the slightest idea of what lies beyond the windows of the bus. And all the time of their journey is spent in squabbling over who will have the seat of honor in the bus, who will be applauded, who will be well considered. And so they remain till the journey's end."--
Anthony de Mello "The Way To Love".

Hummm...

So...If you had a choice between staying in prison with everyone or walk the earth free forever alone, which would you pick?

Tomorrow will never come...

It seems that all our live is spent on tomorrow or some betterment of ourselves. Somehow no matter what we have is just not enough. It seems to create a certain feeling of uneasiness inside, a certain dis-satisfaction and when I have that feeling I cannot enjoy or even see what's going on around me such as the wind in the tree branches, the birds sharing a tree with squirels on even the deathening silence of it all. Noooooo, I'm too preoccupied with my "career", my "future", will you like me, am I good enough, will I be rejected by the group. This happens in high school and throughout our lives. What a hell! My feelings and mental state depending on others. If there is such a thing as hell this would be it.
Now of course the "system" doesn't want you to think or be outside the box even if they tell you to.
If one person is not affected by the emotional manipulations of the group then he is a threat to this system. It's like having no buttons to push. Without these buttons they can't convince you to slave your whole life for a system that promises a beautiful retirement. Oh yeah! give me your prime lives. I don't buy it! Don't get me wrong, the system has its place. It's great to have a system for roads, buildings, electricity, water, etc... anything material. But this is where it stops.
No system has the right to tell me how I should feel or think and especially punish me if I don't comply....
System, I am done with you.
Only then can you be trully free.
Most relationships, and I don't mean couples, are thwarted by desire. "what can I get from you or from this encounter". what can I accomplish. It's like this Yoga thing that hit our culture. Everyone's doing yoga and they treat it like somesort of aerobics. These people are doing "power yoga". They are accomplishing something very important. "Here's how you do it to get the maximum benefits", etc... come join our club we have the best facility, the best teachers, etc...
They can't seem to get out of the race. Everything is about getting somewhere, always better....
I thought yoga was to get out of the race, to chill, quiet the mind and body. That means that I cannot have ANY expectation of outcome other wise I'll be preoccupied with reaching my goal. How can you relax when you have to get somewhere?
I've dropped out of the race. I don't buy this great retirement or this heaven or nirvana or enlightenment. It's all a trick! Someone is trying to sell you something. NO ONE can show how to become enlightenment because to "become" means that you're denying who or what you are right now and in that there conflict and where there is conflict there is no peace or enjoyment.